As parents today, looking at the world around us can seem extremely overwhelming! It seems like every day we turn on the TV or open social media to some new piece of bad news. Closer to home there are issues like illness, divorce, and death. With so much heaviness in the world it can feel difficult to know how to tackle these tough topics with our children. Should we tell them what’s happening? Should we avoid talking about anything hard in front of them? We want to protect our kids and keep them innocent as long as possible! There are times I want to just grab all my babies and hide them at home, where I know it’s safe from that big bad world out there. But, I know no matter how much my heart wants to protect them from the negative in the world, it’s not possible, and honestly, it’s not what’s best for them.
What Our Kids Need
So, if they don’t need us to shelter them from everything bad that goes on, what do they need? They need us to learn how to talk about hard things in an honest and thoughtful way so they feel safe and understood. The challenge is, how do you do that?!
First, let’s start with ourselves. Before we can engage in conversation with our children about important issues we have to be in an appropriate state to do that. Begin by asking yourself these questions first:
-How do I feel about this topic? Do I have a good handle on my own emotions so I can help my child navigate their emotions?
-Am I prepared for this conversation? Do I know the important facts that I need to share? Have I thought about what specific information I feel like my child needs to know? (*Consider your child's age and developmental understanding)
Then, TRUST YOURSELF! As I always say, parents are their child’s first and best teacher! You have what it takes to have these hard conversations and being confident that you can support your child will make everything go more smoothly. It’s important to remember, as well, that our children don’t expect perfection from us. They know we’re human and will mess up, but they need our honesty and our best efforts.
Often, when faced with tough topics, we want to do all the talking so we can get all the information out there and then move on. That is not usually what our kids need most from us, however! The very best thing you can do is to begin by asking your child what they understand about the topic and what questions they have. LISTEN! Be patient and let them share from their perspective…this is critical, especially surrounding topics that might cause fear or worry.
Once your child has shared, it’s your turn. Each child is unique and different and will need different things from you. Evaluate how to best answer your child’s questions in ways that are honest and clear, without overloading them with information. Remember, it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. Our job isn’t to know everything, our job is to help our children learn how to process and cope with challenging situations. Julie Baumbgardner, from First Things First puts it well, “Bad things happen and parents need to be armed with appropriate ways to deal with the bad things that happen as well as the feelings that accompany the situation. Children need information, comfort and understanding to help them process different experiences. Don’t worry if you don’t have all the answers.”
Things to Consider
Let’s look practically at how we share. Keep these important things in mind as you are preparing to talk to your child:
Feelings are not good or bad, they just are. However you or your child feel is ok! It’s HOW we deal with our feelings that is important.
Don’t ignore or brush off big emotions. Dig in and help your child process them. Let them see you processing your own emotions.
Listen! I can’t say this enough. As adults it’s easy to make assumptions about what children understand or want to know, but unless we truly take the time to listen with the intent to understand, and not to respond, we may miss the mark of what they need.
Put words to their feelings. Help your child build their emotional vocabulary by putting words to their feelings and reactions to situations.
Assure them that you're there to help. You may not have all the answers or know exactly what to do and that’s okay. Assure them that you will find ways to help them process their feelings.
Think of Mr. Rogers! He has a great quote about dealing with tough topics…”Whatever is mentionable is manageable.” This is a great reminder that often the hardest part is saying it out loud. What comes next feels less overwhelming once you’ve said it!
Consider ways to help your child maintain some control. So often in challenging times our young people feel pushed aside or forgotten. They’re told what to do, where to go, when to do certain things. Even if they need to follow your lead to get through something hard, let them feel control where possible. Simple statements like, “when you feel ____ (define the feeling) what helps you to feel better?” acknowledges that children are capable of knowing what they need and having opinions about how to handle their emotions.
Remember This!
Lastly, remember that you aren’t perfect and you may not get these conversations right every time, and that’s okay! If you get stuck, ask to take a break and come back later to finish talking. If you leave the conversation and realize you wish you’d handled it differently, go back to your child and tell them. Be honest and ask for a chance to try again! I think you’ll find them very forgiving and actually appreciate seeing that side of their parents!
Tackling tough topics can feel scary and overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to! Keep it about your child and what they need, be honest and clear in what you share, and you’ll be great!